To eat or not to eat

So this sadly ( pathetically)  is more a venting post then anything else.

I had a flare up that started mildly on Friday and progressed into a mega beast over the weekend into Monday. I hate that even with being 98% strict with my diet, quantity, and quality I still can't mange or control these flare ups. Sometimes I am lucky and feel one coming and switch to fluids only (such a fun thing) making it disappears before becoming a full blown disaster. But mostly boom when one begins I am down and out.... Sometimes for days. 

On Monday the vomiting was so intense I started having nose bleeds. My poor two year old Charlotte was so freaked out it broke my heart. She couldn't stop trembling and crying about my "broken nose" for hours. Not something I had ever invisioned subjecting my children too. 

 I need food, I want food yet when I eat food I get sick. It's a mind game that sadly I feel like I am too often on the loosing end of. On a fluid only diet I am weak, loosing weight, cranky, sad, hungry oh so hungry and I miss the actually action of eating terribly. I still have to make meals and snacks for the family which is a whole different level of torture. I can loose anywhere from 2-10 pounds in a week from fluid only diet. Making me weaker and sicker feeling and looking. When eating small balanced meals like the ones I post I can maintain a healthier weight, enegery level and mood . But it seems like my flare ups and pain are stronger and longer lasting. It's also seems that they are becoming stronger in general. Like the GP is progressing. 

It's the new normal having mom walking around with heat packs and tea and getting up at any given time to go vomit and then return to whatever I was doing. Our youngest often asks me "how's your belly feeling mama" or I hear Ellie saying "oh moms going to throw up" if I leave the room suddenly and my oldest makes plans and then looks at me and goes " if you aren't too sick then". It's like I have become a unreliable person. And that is a first for me, I am use to being accountable and punctual. The kids, bless them don't seem to love me any less and are really starting to consider it all "normal". 

My husband is a trooper, having a suddenly sick often vomiting wife can't be fun. But he never lets on to that, and for that I feel so blessed. 

It has been getting me down that I no longer can function "normally". I am easily tired, often sore, weak, foggy, starving, anxious, overwhelmed and did I mention starving?! I once read this disease is like slowly starving to death and I think that person may have been right. Even when I am at a more healthy weight ( heighest BMI to date 17.6) I am still hungry, feeling deprived and feeling anxious about food because I know it's so fleeting and could be days again before the next meal stays down.  

All that venting said and done I know I am incredibly blessed and that I have numerous healthy days where I can act normally and pass as disease free. But the physiological part has been wearing at me. 

Hoping some day sooner then later they find a way to repair the Vagus nerve and this will all be just a bad dream!:)

- JVW 

Eliminating sugar

We recently lost a dear friend to breast cancer. She was an incredible women and the most inspirational fighter! After her vigil my husband and I had a long drive home without our girls to discuss life, health and dealth. I know so much is random and uncontrollable but we stared discussing the small things we could control! Diet being key, we have always eaten well and limited any junk food. Our kids have never had soda and limited pre made cookies, chips, cereal etc... However things slowly accumulate over time. We decide to really reevaluate our pantry, fridge and freezer. 

Lucky for me the following day was a snowy one and I started fine tooth combing over all our products. I was floored by all the hidden sugar!!! In bread, bagels, organic mayo, organic ketchup, organic marinate, peanut butter, organic jelly, gluten free bread..... List was endless it was EVERYWHERE! As was some sneaky Gluten. 

After a big purge and a big reboot we were back on track. A trip to trader joes and a lot of label reading got us some new ketchup, mayo, peanut butter and jelly. We are all learning to live without a few favorite items and taking more time preparing our snacks. The house is stocked with healthy nuts, grains, flours, maple syrup, honey, spices, condiments, unsweetened plain yogurts, eggs, cheese, milk, orange juice, veggies and fruit. I also got some puffed millet and Kermut which are single ingredient items to replace cereal when homemade granola isn't desired. We made some homemade bagels and found delicious four  ingredient  bread from our local bakery, wheat, Yeast, water, salt= amazing! 

I have always been a from scratch cooker and baker but realized we had gotten lazy with our breakfast cereals and snack options. I feel so much better being back on track and keeping our food as local, organic, unprocessed, sugar free as possible. I know eating clean and simple is the easiest way for me to manage my gp and keep us all feeling great and healthy! 

-JVW